Sunday, April 3, 2011

It has been so long I forgot my password to sign into my blog account!

Well Folks,

It has taken 3 days of being stuck in my room, having all my roommates gone, vomiting, a fever, watching 4 movies, finishing my book, and now I AM BLOGGING.  What to say what to say?

I had this realization that blogging became this space where I proclaim to all my family and friends the important details of my current life, with exciting language and innovative thoughts.  Well, pretty much what I have to say is:  THIS WEEK SUCKED.  Being sick is one thing, but feeling utterly useless and like a complete failure really tops things off.  I have this thing about wanting to control things that I can’t.  I have been anxiety ridden with work back home, not feeling adequate here, not feeling like I am connecting with the women as well as others, and wanting to be more involved and give more than I am.  Comparisons can be BRUTALLY destructive….  On top of that there has been some heartbreaking news about life back in America.  I could go into further detail, but I think you get the point.  Interesting that I come to INDIA to give of self, but so easily become consumed with self…

The beauty of this situation is that it actually forced me to realize I can’t control many things in life, and maybe I should try PRAYING.  Not that things are all smooth and great again… but as I was reading in my past thesis paper I came across this quote by Schmemann,

   No one has been ‘worthy’ to receive communion, no one has been prepared for
it… Life again comes to us as a Gift, a free and divine gift… And therefore, the
greatest humility and obedience is to accept the gift, to say yes – in joy and gratitude.  There is nothing we can do, yet we become all that God wanted us to
be from eternity, when we are Eucharistic.

Funny that I almost always feel like I need to MEASURE UP, no matter how much I am told that I don’t.  I HAVE to choose again and again to let my future and life be a gift, and that is in itself a GIFT to be able to do that.  As I mentioned above, comparisons are brutal and as I allow my future to become a gift I also have remind myself that achieving things or advancing anything has NOTHING to do with my self-worth.

So what does this have to do with India and my experiences? Well… not sure.  If you would have asked me last week I probably would have gone off about how I am “falling in love” with my time spent in the homes and streets of these beautiful resilient women.  And I think at the end of the day that is real.  But, how about I just post some pictures and let that do the talking?

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