It has taken 3 days of being stuck in my room, having all my roommates gone, vomiting, a fever, watching 4 movies, finishing my book, and now I AM BLOGGING. What to say what to say?
I had this realization that blogging became this space where I proclaim to all my family and friends the important details of my current life, with exciting language and innovative thoughts. Well, pretty much what I have to say is: THIS WEEK SUCKED. Being sick is one thing, but feeling utterly useless and like a complete failure really tops things off. I have this thing about wanting to control things that I can’t. I have been anxiety ridden with work back home, not feeling adequate here, not feeling like I am connecting with the women as well as others, and wanting to be more involved and give more than I am. Comparisons can be BRUTALLY destructive…. On top of that there has been some heartbreaking news about life back in America. I could go into further detail, but I think you get the point. Interesting that I come to INDIA to give of self, but so easily become consumed with self…
The beauty of this situation is that it actually forced me to realize I can’t control many things in life, and maybe I should try PRAYING. Not that things are all smooth and great again… but as I was reading in my past thesis paper I came across this quote by Schmemann,
No one has been ‘worthy’ to receive communion, no one has been prepared for
it… Life again comes to us as a Gift, a free and divine gift… And therefore, the
greatest humility and obedience is to accept the gift, to say yes – in joy and gratitude. There is nothing we can do, yet we become all that God wanted us to
be from eternity, when we are Eucharistic.
Funny that I almost always feel like I need to MEASURE UP, no matter how much I am told that I don’t. I HAVE to choose again and again to let my future and life be a gift, and that is in itself a GIFT to be able to do that. As I mentioned above, comparisons are brutal and as I allow my future to become a gift I also have remind myself that achieving things or advancing anything has NOTHING to do with my self-worth.
So what does this have to do with India and my experiences? Well… not sure. If you would have asked me last week I probably would have gone off about how I am “falling in love” with my time spent in the homes and streets of these beautiful resilient women. And I think at the end of the day that is real. But, how about I just post some pictures and let that do the talking?